I’ve been hearing many stories lately of couples having relationship problems. Now every couple has their rough patches, but I’m alarmed at the number of people considering calling it quits. I’m not going to contend that I have a perfect marriage, Lord knows I’m far from the perfect husband, but here are the ways through which my marriage has survived:
1. Get close to God
I realize this sounds like a Sunday school answer, but it’s true what John writes:
But if we walk in the light as he is in the light we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from sin. – 1 John 1:7 (LEB)
John fully realizes that in order to remain close to another individual you need to be able to view them as Christ views them. Through connecting with God we experience growth in our own character:
Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are sexual immorality, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, things which I am telling you in advance, just as I said before, that the ones who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. Against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ have crucified the flesh together with its feelings and its desires. – Galatians 5:19-24 (LEB)
Which person would you rather be married to? The one who follows his flesh or the one who is growing in Christ? Who doesn’t desire to be with someone who shows love, is peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and practices self control?
I realize that it isn’t easy when you are the only party pursuing God and displaying the gifts but that wouldn’t make it okay to try to “get even”:
And finally, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, showing mutual affection, compassionate, humble, not repaying evil for evil or insult for insult, but on the other hand blessing others, because for this reason you were called, so that you could inherit a blessing. – 1 Peter 3:8-10 (LEB)
2. Don’t use the “D” word
God said he hates divorce:
And it was said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for a matter of sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. – Matthew 5:31-32 (LEB)
And Paul further elaborates:
To the married I command—not I, but the Lord—a wife must not separate from her husband. But if indeed she does separate, she must remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
Now to the rest I say—not the Lord—if any brother has an unbelieving wife and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if any wife has an unbelieving husband and he consents to live with her, she must not divorce her husband. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the brother, since otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him leave. The brother or the sister is not bound in such cases. But God has called us in peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? – 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 (LEB)
Divorce is very rarely an option, if you take it out of your mind as an option you can guarantee a much better chance of having a relationship that works. I made a commitment never to bring up divorce with my wife even in the heat of argument and my marriage is all the better for it.
3. Choose well
Now if you are already married this won’t really apply, but if you haven’t married yet, choose well! My dad always joked that beggars can’t be choosers, but when it comes to marriage, none of us are truly beggars! Never get desperate because it’s easier to follow God without a spouse:
But I want you to be free from care. The unmarried person cares for the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord. 33 But the one who is married cares for the things of the world, how he may please his wife, 34 and he is divided. And the unmarried woman or the virgin cares for the things of the Lord, in order that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But the married woman cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. – 1 Corinthians 7:32-34 (LEB)
But it’s perfectly fine to marry, and there are many good reasons to do so. If you are going to marry someone, be smart about who you marry. The sage wisdom of King Lemuel’s mother when seeking a wife certainly stands:
A woman of excellence, who will find?
For her worth is far more than precious jewels.The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and gain he will not lack.She does him good, but not harm
all the days of her life.She seeks wool and flax,
and she works with the diligence of her hands.She is like the ships of a merchant;
from far off she brings her food;And she arises while it is still night,
and gives food to her household,
and tasks to her servant girls.She considers a field and buys it,
from the fruit of her hand she plants a vineyard.She girds her waist in strength,
and makes her arms strong.She perceives that her merchandise is good;
her lamp does not go out in the night.Her hands she puts onto the distaff,
and her palms hold a spindle.Her palm she opens to the poor,
and her hand she reaches out to the needy.She does not fear for her house when it snows,
for her entire household is clothed in crimson.She makes for herself coverings;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.Her husband is known at the gates,
in his seat among the elders of the land.Linen garments she makes and sells,
and she supplies sashes for the merchants.Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the future.She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and instruction of kindness is upon her tongue.She looks after the ways of her household,
and the bread of idleness she will not eat.Her children rise and consider her happy,
her husband also, and he praises her;“Many daughters have done excellence,
but you surpass all of them.”Charm is deceit and beauty is vain;
but a woman who fears Yahweh shall be praised.Give to her from the fruit of her hand,
and may they praise her works in the city gates.– Proverbs 31:10-31 (LEB)
In other words, marry a woman who is kind, capable, and noble. As for the ladies, you should choose a guy that displays the fruits of the spirit that we identified from Galatians.
Finally, don’t marry a divorcee, the Bible forbids it for a reason; in fact, the skyrocketing divorce rates are in part because people who divorce once are highly likely to divorce again, and again, and again. Within churches, it’s really more like 1 out of 10 or 2 out of 10 first time marriages that fail; however, the repeat divorcees divorce enough to boost the divorce rate to almost 50%!
4. Show respect and love
Our significant other’s need to feel valued, respected, and loved:
In the same way, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful, pure conduct. Let your adornment not be the external kind, braiding hair and putting on gold jewelry or putting on fine clothing, but the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is highly valuable in the sight of God. 5 For in the same way formerly the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves by being subject to their own husbands, like Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose children you have become when you do good and are not frightened with respect to any terror.
Husbands, in the same way live with your wives knowledgeably, as with the weaker female vessel, showing them honor as fellow heirs also of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. – 1 Peter 3:1-7 (LEB)
And:
Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. – Colossians 3:18-19 (LEB)
And:
being subject to one another out of reverence for Christ —wives to their own husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is the head of the church (he himself being the Savior of the body). But as the church is subject to Christ, thus also wives should be subject to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for her; in order that he might sanctify her by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word; in order that he might present to himself the church glorious, not having a spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she may be holy and blameless. Thus also husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. The one who loves his own wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as also Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” (This mystery is great, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.) Only you also, each one of you, must thus love his own wife as himself, and the wife must respect her husband. – Ephesians 5:21-33 (LEB)
There is an old story that a young Bedouin woman had been passed over by every suitor because she was considered quite plain. A young suitor came along and offered a lavish amount of camels for the young woman’s hand in marriage. Her father, believing his daughter to be plain and not worth such a large amount replied that a few goats would be fine but the suitor would hear nothing of it! The suitor paid the full amount and set a wedding date. On the day of the wedding all the guests were shocked at the beauty and gracefulness of the bride.
When we look deeply into who our spouse is we can see their true value and bring that out of them for the world to see and marvel!
5. Have sex within marriage
Sex is an issue of intimacy, I won’t lay out all the verses here that relate to sex outside of marriage, but suffice it to say it is common knowledge that God is not a fan. Song of Solomon is worth reading because it portrays sexual intimacy between a couple in a healthy relationship. Sex inside of marriage draws people closer whereas outside of marriage it is just a means of pleasure; I believe it’s an issue of commitment that plays into the value as it indicates to the other partner the special place they hold. Everybody want’s their spouse to consider them special.
Thank you for reading, my hope is for success in your current marriage, or in the case of those considering marriage, a happy and fulfilling marriage. If you were to focus on any one of these things, focus on #1 by seeking God first and foremost. When we earnestly seek God we begin to take on the attributes of Christ and become a person whom our spouses truly want to be married to!